How to Save Middle Earth
by nephthys5
Summary: Think you've seen it all before? Cliche, you say? Not like this! Read and be amused! Hick chick falls into ME and must save it from the rampaging Mary Sues! Goofy, shameless fun with lots of suebashing and crying Legolas!
1. Prologue my revenge!

Disclaimer: I don't own LOTR. And I don't own Kentucky, either.  
  
Summary: Goofy. Irreverent. Hick chick crashes into ME and Gandalf insists that only she can save it (and a distraught Legolas) from the Mary Sues! Hope you have as much fun reading it as I did writing it. Rated for swearing, drinking and smoking. Originally Titled "The Black Book of Doom" but reposted with notes. Thanks to Tenacious D for telling me I was being obscure!  
  
*******  
  
Author's note: Yes, I realize that if one actually fell into Middle Earth the language would be indecipherable. And there wouldn't be any pickup trucks there, either (which is really too bad!)  
  
( ) Is an after thought.  
  
****  
  
Prologue:  
  
I closed my eyes and waited for the knock on the door, giggling like an idiot. Finally! I would have my revenge! I had made a vow to myself that if we managed to save him from Red, he would pay dearly for his insolence and now it was payback time!  
  
I squirmed in anticipation as I listened to Eowyn's fingers clicking over the keys. She'd make one hell of a secretary, I thought fleetingly. Then the room started to spin.  
  
"Ugh, it feels like too much tequila," I groaned.  
  
The room screeched to a halt and I clutched at a chair to steady myself.  
  
A quiet knock sounded on the door. I tried to hide my grin as I flung it open but it was no use. God help me, he was an absolute doll baby! (And he's not gay!)  
  
Mere words cannot describe his beauty. I smiled as I drank in the sight before me - those dark eyes, that mane of thick platinum hair to his waist, those long legs and that beautiful skin. She'd even managed to capture that pout of his that used to drive me to drink (quite literally) but was now driving me toward hormonal madness instead. (Must not pee myself from excitement!)  
  
He smiled warmly at me. I nearly fainted.  
  
"Girl," Legolas purred in his silky voice. "I want you."  
  
Without a word, I reached out, grabbed the neck of his tunic, hauled his fine ass into my room and slammed the door shut.  
  
*** 


	2. Meet Gimli and Legolas

******  
  
It had been another one of those days at work. You know what I mean, the kind that makes you just want to bang your head on the wall and drool. To top it all off, it was dark and foggy when I finally left the office.  
  
On the way home, a stupid deer decided it wanted to be a hood ornament. I swerved to avoid it and ended up careening off the side of the road and into a ditch. Luckily, I was wearing a seatbelt but my head hit the steering wheel and I blacked out for a few minutes. (No airbag).  
  
Shaking, shaking. Someone was shaking my shoulder. My forehead ached where it struck the steering wheel. I moaned and sat back in the seat trying to open my eyes.  
  
"What happened?" A male voice asked me.  
  
"Deer," I mumbled and put my hands on my head trying to contain the ache.  
  
"Deer?" He asked.  
  
"Yeah, ran right out in front of me," I said, taking a mental inventory of my physical condition. Nothing seemed to be permanently damaged and I was thankful for that.  
  
"You call the cops?" I asked, looking at him for the first time. Damn, he was gorgeous! (Oh, no, the sun was coming up! How long had I been here?)  
  
"Cops?" he repeated, looking at me like I was some sort of alien.  
  
"Yeah, the cops, the police, you know, the sheriff?" I snapped irritably. (Must find drugs).  
  
"No cops," he said.  
  
That was good, anyway.  
  
"Can you help me get my truck back on the road?" I asked and opened the door to step out and survey the damage to my truck.  
  
Standing next to him was a really hairy midget and it startled me to see him there. He had been invisible over the truck door and I almost stepped on him as I got out.  
  
"Sorry, dude," I said to the hairy guy who eyed me suspiciously and gave me a wide berth. I was a bit unsteady on my feet yet.  
  
I looked over my poor old beater. It certainly had been in worse situations. Aside from a few new scratches and dents it seemed to be in good working order. I checked under the hood to make sure.  
  
The guy and the midget watched me in fascination and jumped back when I slammed the hood of the truck shut.  
  
"Looks like everything is ok," I said. "Can you guys help me push it back to the road?"  
  
"Road?" Gorgeous repeated. Figures. He couldn't be gorgeous AND have a brain! That'd be too much to ask for. What a waste! (I could have gotten over the weird ear thing but I just don't do dumb.)  
  
I looked at the hairy guy. "I take it you're the brains in this operation?" I asked him.  
  
He said nothing so I did what any self-reliant independent girl would do. I put the truck in neutral and tried to push it myself.  
  
The hairy guy finally got the idea and helped me push the truck while Blondie wandered off into the nearby woods.  
  
Hairy was surprisingly strong and after a few minutes of pushing, we got the truck out of the ditch and back on flat ground.  
  
"Thanks," I said a bit breathlessly and leaned against the hood.  
  
I looked around and didn't recognize anything. There wasn't even a road. What the hell happened? I wondered and looked down at the hairy guy. He was just standing there looking at me with a mixture of curiosity and wonder.  
  
******  
  
Notes: Um – It's come to my attention that I'm being a bit obscure. So, to clear things up a bit, I'm putting a key at the end of each chapter telling who's who and explaining some "colorful" sayings.  
  
Again, I apologize for my obscurity! Thanks to Tenacious D for pointing that out! (I don't know these things unless you tell me in a review!)  
  
Hairy – Gimli  
  
Blondie/Gorgeous – Legolas  
  
Scruffy – Aragorn  
  
Old Guy/Drama Queen – Gandalf  
  
Beater – term of affection used for an old, well-worn vehicle 


	3. Enter Aragorn

******  
  
"Greetings!" called a man's voice from behind us.  
  
We turned around. The midget let out a shout of recognition and walked over to the newcomer. Blondie followed the newcomer at a distance. (So that's where he'd gotten to. Maybe he wasn't completely dim after all.)  
  
The three of them conferred for a few minutes. I reached in the passenger's window and pulled a pack of cigarettes out of my purse. I was just lighting one when the three of them approached.  
  
"Where did you come from?" the newcomer asked. By the look of him, I was definitely across the river (although he did seem to have all of his teeth).  
  
I turned my head and exhaled smoke. "I ran off the road trying to avoid a deer," I told him. "This guy," I pointed my cig at Hairy. "Helped me push my truck out."  
  
Hairy smiled.  
  
Scruffy studied me. Blondie began to examine the truck. I puffed happily on my cig.  
  
"You're not from around here, are you?" Scruffy asked cautiously.  
  
"Well, I thought I was. Where is 'here' anyway?" I asked suspiciously. I had a very bad feeling that I was not in Kentucky.  
  
"Please, wait here a moment," Scruffy requested and moved off to confer with Hairy and Blondie.  
  
"That must've been one hell of a ditch," I thought to myself and tossed the spent butt into the bed of the truck.  
  
The three of them were eyeing me anxiously and I walked over to break up their little huddle.  
  
"Look," I sighed. "Just point me to the nearest town so I can get my bearings and call home."  
  
"Actually," admitted Scruffy. "We were also heading to the 'nearest town' as you call it. We would be happy to guide you."  
  
"Alrighty then! Well, get in and let's get this show on the road," I said and opened the truck door.  
  
The three of them stood there gawping at me. I sighed.  
  
"You two in back," I pointed to Blondie and Hairy and walked to the back to lower the tailgate so they could get in. Cautiously, they climbed inside. "Hold on," I said and put Hairy's hand on the side of the bed. Blondie got the idea and grabbed the other side of the truck.  
  
"Watch the toolbox," I pointed to it. "Damned thing slides all over the place." I slammed the tailgate shut and walked over to the passenger's side.  
  
Scruffy watched me take my backpack and gym bag out of the front seat to make room for him. I threw the stuff in the back with the toolbox and motioned him to climb in. Slowly, he got into the truck and I pushed his hands and feet in then shut the door.  
  
****** 


	4. Gandalf Arrives

******  
  
Thankfully, the old beater started right up and we took off in the direction Scruffy indicated. We bumped along and in the rear view mirror I could see Hairy and Blondie holding on for dear life, their eyes wide with terror. I couldn't help but laugh.  
  
"Why do you laugh?" Scruffy asked.  
  
"Look at those two," I jerked my head to the back. "They act like they've never been in the back of a pickup before."  
  
Scruffy didn't smile. "They haven't," he said flatly.  
  
"What?" I turned to look at him incredulously. (Definitely not in Kentucky, that's for sure!)  
  
"Look out!" he shouted and pointed ahead.  
  
I slammed in the brake and clutch, barely missing the old geezer who seemingly appeared from nowhere.  
  
"What the hell is wrong with you people?" I cursed. (Did people just freaking pop out of the ground around this place or what?)  
  
"We must flee this place!" The old geezer ran up and clutched at my door, his blue eyes wild with terror.  
  
"Why?" Scruffy and I asked in unison.  
  
"They're coming," he blithered. "They're coming and they can't be stopped!" He twisted his head wildly trying to scan all directions.  
  
"Easy, gramps," I patted his hand and tried to soothe him. "Who's coming? The cops? Blondie said he didn't call the cops." I scowled at Blondie in the mirror.  
  
"The Sues! They're coming! We must flee, fly, quickly!" He breathed in terror.  
  
"The Sues? Who the hell's that?" I asked. (Sounds like a bunch of lawyers!)  
  
At the mention of "Sues", my three passengers quailed and wailed in fear, begging me to go anywhere but here.  
  
"Get in back with Legolas and Gimli," Scruffy ordered the old man.  
  
The old geezer fairly leaped into the back and Scruffy turned to me.  
  
"Go as fast as you can. Our lives may be in danger!" He was pale with fright.  
  
"From Sue?" I couldn't believe it but he looked so scared I put the truck into gear and took off at a slow speed.  
  
"Who is Sue and why is she after you guys?" I asked.  
  
"Mary Sues," Scruffy corrected and anxiously began scanning the horizon.  
  
"OK, so what's up with this Mary Sue? She packing heat or something?" I asked him.  
  
Then I got suspicious and slowed down to eyeball him more carefully. "Did you guys do something to this Mary Sue that I don't wanna know about?" I growled and grabbed a wrench off the floor just in case they got any funny ideas about me.  
  
"What? No!" He protested. "Please speed up and I'll explain."  
  
I hesitated and set the wrench in my lap. I shifted gears and gave old blue a bit of gas. We picked up speed and Scruffy was visibly relieved. He looked back at his friends and when he was satisfied that they were safe, he turned back to me.  
  
"Mary Sue," he began. "Is a fictional character usually created by a young girl to place herself in a story. So she can take part in a story with her favorite characters."  
  
"Ah, I see," the light went on in my head. I had heard my niece speak of these things. "Sometimes called a fangirl, right?" I asked him.  
  
He smiled with relief. "Yes, exactly. So you understand the danger to us?"  
  
"No. Not really. How bad can it be?" I asked him. (Oh, famous last words!)  
  
He glanced out the back of the truck. "Bad," he said. "Look."  
  
I glanced in the rearview mirror to see a cloud of dust rapidly gaining on us. The boys in the back were beginning to panic and Blondie whipped out a bow and began shooting arrows into the dust cloud. (What he expected to hit was beyond me). The old geezer started waving a stick around and shouting back at the cloud (what good THAT was supposed to do, I have no idea). Hairy began howling and beating on the rear window in panic.  
  
I have to admit I was kind of curious. I mean, it sort of looked like a tornado but it wasn't shaped like a funnel exactly. It sounded like a tornado, though, lots of roaring and thundering. It was gaining on us and I slowed down to see what it was. Eeep! It was a herd of Amazonian riders on horseback. (We're gonna be attacked by Wild Indians!)  
  
***** Notes:  
  
Sues – Mary Sues.  
  
Gramps/Old Guy/Geezer – Gandalf. (Yeah, I know. I mean it with the greatest affection, I can assure you). 


	5. When Sues Attack!

******  
  
"Go fast!" Screamed Scruffy in a panic.  
  
He didn't have to tell me twice. Some of the frontrunners had pulled pretty close to us and Hairy was fairly crying with fright. A couple of the Sues were riding winged horses and swooped down on us as we bumped along. I glanced in the side mirror and saw pink unicorns being ridden at break neck speed alongside the truck. (Now that's something you don't see every day.)  
  
Blondie had run out of arrows and had turned into a quivering mass of fear next to the old man. The Sues began flinging themselves at the moving vehicle and screaming hysterically. It certainly scared the hell out of me let me tell you. I've never seen such a sight. (Except maybe that one time when New Kids on the Block came to town. But I digress.)  
  
I stomped on the gas and shifted into overdrive, leaving the screaming Sues in the dust.  
  
Next to me, Scruffy visibly relaxed. "Thank you," he said.  
  
"No problem," I told him. "You really need to do something about those chicks, dude."  
  
"HA!" He scoffed. "Wouldn't I like to? They torture poor Legolas night and day." He looked into the back at Blondie who was still cowering behind the old guy.  
  
"What about you?" I asked. "Do they bother you?"  
  
"Yes, but not like they do Legolas," he sighed with relief. (Geez, I wonder why. You look like you've never heard of a razor or soap.)  
  
"They try to come between me and Arwen," he said.  
  
"Who's Arwen?" I asked.  
  
"My girlfriend," he smiled.  
  
(Looks only count for so much, that's for sure. And Arwen was obviously more into brains than looks.)  
  
"So why doesn't Blondie get himself a woman and lay the smack down on those stupid chicks?" I wondered. Seemed pretty logical to me.  
  
"It wouldn't matter," he said miserably. "They wouldn't care."  
  
"Well, then maybe he needs to learn how to say no and mean it," I grunted. (He didn't look like the type to say "no" and mean it.)  
  
"Turn here," he ordered and I could see the town over the hill. "That's where we're going," he said, pointing at the walled city.  
  
I nodded and kept driving.  
  
We pulled into the town and were immediately surrounded by throngs of men clamoring for "Gandalf" (whoever the hell that is).  
  
"Look, I don't want anyone absconding with my vehicle," I told Scruffy. "Is there any place I can keep this?"  
  
"You may place it in the stable," said the Old Man as he climbed out of the back.  
  
Hairy and Blondie got out as well. Hairy hugged me and I patted him on the back reassuringly.  
  
Blondie flashed me a dazzling smile and actually bowed. (Well, he may not be too smart but at least he's not rude.)  
  
"Fine," I said, looking around. "Where's the stable?"  
  
****** Notes:  
  
"packing heat" – has a gun 


	6. PowWow at Helm's Deep

******  
  
I parked the truck in the stable, rolled up the windows and locked the doors. (I didn't know what sort of neighborhood this was). I was pulling my stuff out of the back when Scruffy came to fetch me.  
  
"We would like you to join us in the great hall for a conference," he said.  
  
"OK," I said and followed him. (What the hell did they need me for?) The hall was packed and it was all guys.  
  
"Sausage party, hmmm," I murmured, looking around. I'd certainly gloat about this to my girlfriends when I got home, that's for sure!  
  
Scruffy led me to a table where a guy with a Crown, the Old Guy, Hairy and Blondie were standing. There were several other very, ah, good looking men there as well. I was beginning to like this place and grinned shamelessly as I checked out the assembly.  
  
Some of the men eyed me suspiciously and several actually moved away when Scruffy announced, "she's from the outside."  
  
I heard the dreaded words murmured around me "Sue, Sue! Beware the Sue!"  
  
"Oh, for Pete's sake, would y'all just chill?" I snapped. "Do I actually look like a Sue? As if!"  
  
Several minutes of silence as they looked me over for any sign of Sue-ness. No way was I Sue material. Too short, too curvy, too plain and too nefarious. They relaxed.  
  
"We the opportunity to banish the Sues from our realm forever," announced the Old Man. (Hadn't his attitude taken a dramatic turn since we first ran into him terrified on the road and pleading for help?)  
  
His proclamation was greeted with cheers from the assembly.  
  
"And just how the hell do you plan to do that?" I asked, hating to rain on his parade but . . . well, someone had to tell it like it is.  
  
"You will do it for us," he beamed at me.  
  
"What? Me? By myself? Take on a whole freaking army of hormonally raged girls? Are you on crack?" I shouted at him. "They'll kill me!" (This guy was obviously whacked. I looked around for Scruffy. It seemed that he was actually the one brain out of the entire lot.)  
  
I made my way over to him and grabbed his arm. "Is he like rowing with only one oar in the water or what?" I demanded.  
  
"No, Gandalf doesn't have a boat," he answered. "Listen to what he has to say then decide if you can help."  
  
I felt like Moses parting the Red Sea. As I turned back to look back at the Old Guy, the crowd fell away in awe. I scowled and walked back up to the table, setting my gym bag down and rummaging for my cigarettes. (I still left my backpack on. They'd probably freak if they saw my computer.) The tension in the room was steadily mounting.  
  
I pulled out a cig and lit it thoughtfully. "OK, bud, let's hear it," I exhaled smoke thru my nose.  
  
His eyes gleamed and he eyed my cig greedily. "You smoke?" I asked curiously.  
  
"Pipe weed," he admitted.  
  
I laughed out loud. "Sorry, gramps, I don't carry that sort of thing around anymore. Cops, you know," I winked at him. "Would you like one of these instead?" I held the pack out to him and he took one, examining it closely.  
  
"Here," I said and handed him my lit cig. He took it and puffed on it happily. I had to grin.  
  
"Ah," he said. "Yes, that is good." He handed the rest of it to Scruffy who finished it off with a smile. I shook my head in amazement.  
  
***** Notes: HA! Fooled you! There aren't any notes! But if you've read this far, please let me know what you think. Thanks! 


	7. Behold the BBOD!

******  
  
"So, you were saying about 'banishing the Sues forever'?" I prompted him.  
  
"Ah, yes! You see, during the Second Age, when Sauron ensnared men with the rings of power, he also created the Sues to do his bidding in the event that the ring wraiths failed." (WTF?). "But, little did he realize that the Eldar had long feared this and prophesized that a lone woman would appear and turn the tide in our favor." (Now this prophesying part I could get into.)  
  
The crowd murmured as if on cue.  
  
"OK, fine," I waved my hand around. "What does this got to do with me?"  
  
"You bring the Black Book of Doom!" The Old Man pointed at me dramatically.  
  
I snorted. "Right. Black Book of Doom. Uh-huh." (Definitely not rowing with both oars in the water.)  
  
"I saw it in your saddle bag on the way here." He accused.  
  
I raised an eyebrow at him. I still couldn't make up my mind if he was dangerously crazy or just an eccentric old codger.  
  
"Dude, I don't have a Black Book of Doom," I rolled my eyes at him. (Had my mother seen this, she would have slapped me.)  
  
"Yes, you wear it on your back even now!" He hissed.  
  
All eyes turned to me and I looked from side to side expecting at any moment to be sprung upon by the desperate men. The men moved closer. I removed my backpack and held it close to me.  
  
"There ain't nothing in here but my work stuff!" I insisted and placed the bag on the table so everyone could see for them selves that I wasn't hiding any Black Book of Doom.  
  
I opened the bag and the Old Man reached down and snatched out my laptop, holding it aloft like the Olympic Torch.  
  
"Behold the Black Book of Doom!" He shouted triumphantly.  
  
The men cheered.  
  
"That's just my computer," I scoffed. What a moron! (Of course, I'd often thought of it as a sort of Doom but that's what computers do, right?)  
  
"This, this is the Black Book of Doom!" He assured me. "Only you can open it. Only you can save us from the Sues."  
  
I had to laugh. I couldn't help it. Since when does a computer cause anything but headache? I mean, what was I supposed to do, teach the Sues how to use it and hope that the damned thing kept crashing and drove them insane? Well, sure it would work but it would take for freaking ever! Duh!  
  
I put my head down on the table and pretty much laughed myself sick at the thought. No one else seemed to find this at all amusing.  
  
I finally managed to get a grip on myself and wiped back the tears of laughter as I looked around the room.  
  
They all looked pathetic and helpless. Hey, don't let anyone ever tell you that a room full of helpless men isn't cute. They were at my total mercy. (Must resist temptation to turn evil – must resist!)  
  
****  
  
Notes: WTF – "What the F*ck?"  
  
Black Boom of Doom – laptop computer 


	8. What's in it for me?

*****  
  
"OK, so, saying that maybe I can banish these Sues," I mused out loud and tapped my fingers on my cheekbone. "What's in it for me?" (Might as well get something out of this.)  
  
The room fell dead silent for several long moments. I looked around.  
  
"Bueller, Bueller?" I asked. (Probably don't have movies here, either).  
  
No one answered but at least they started murmuring amongst themselves.  
  
I lit another cigarette and patiently waited for them to make me an offer. (Right. Like I'd actually be able to banish an entire army of pre-teen girls. Whatever.)  
  
Hairy approached and flung Blondie at me. I narrowly managed to keep from burning him with my cig as he fell into me. Poor guy. He was still shaking from our narrow escape earlier.  
  
"You can have him," Hairy grunted. "He's mostly the cause of this anyway."  
  
"Now that isn't very nice," I scolded and handed Blondie my cig. He refused disdainfully.  
  
"It is not all my fault," The Gorgeous One said helplessly, pouting like some heartbroken starlet.  
  
"Oh, yes it is! Damn your good looks anyway!" Shouted Hairy. (I'm detecting a bit of jealously here, guys).  
  
"Aragorn has just as many and they are more deadly because of their advanced experience," he accused petulantly.  
  
"Bah!" Shouted Scruffy. "The sheer numbers you bring to this realm completely overwhelm any defense we have managed to erect thus far." (Was there a bad pun in there somewhere?)  
  
"Alright, look. I don't want Blondie," I waved my cig in the air and shouted at them to get their attention. (They were as bad as the teenage girls they were trying to escape from).  
  
"Legolas," Blondie whispered in my ear. "My name is Legolas." Then he actually pouted (again). "You don't want me?"  
  
"Stow it, honey," I told him. "We've got bigger fish to fry than squabbling about who brought the smack down."  
  
"Yes, yes, she is right," agreed the Old Man. "Let us turn our efforts towards the common enemy – the Mary Sues!"  
  
There was murmured agreement among the men.  
  
Just as we were staring to get somewhere, a shout rang out from the back of the room. It was a girl's voice. I hopped up on the table to see what was going on. Some willowy blonde was making her way towards us. Figures. The only other chick here would have to be some blonde supermodel. Dammit! Ah, well. (I bet nobody prophesized about HER.)  
  
"They're coming!" she shouted at us. "You must do something!"  
  
"To your battle stations!" shouted the Crown and the men scattered like torn pages from a fan girl's notebook.  
  
******  
  
Notes:  
  
Supermodel – Eowyn  
  
Crown – Theoden  
  
"Smack down"- WWF term used to describe being beaten into submission by brute force. 


	9. When Sues Attack Part II

********  
  
"Quickly, take the Book and banish them!" The Old Guy ordered me jamming the laptop back into my hands. (Right. Like how can it scare them if it isn't even showing the Blue Screen of Death?)  
  
"Can I at least turn it on?" I asked sarcastically. This was about stupid.  
  
Scruffy took me by the arm and he Hairy, Blondie, the Old Guy and the Supermodel escorted me up to the battlements.  
  
I looked out over the plain and saw a veritable legion of Sues. "Yep, they are the ones that chased us earlier," I confirmed.  
  
I recognized the flashes of pink, purple and white in the distance. The flying horses were approaching more quickly and the Supermodel waved a sword threateningly at the sky. (Hell, I wouldn't cross her.)  
  
"You must open the Book," the Old Guy said. "Open it and banish them forever!" (I wish he'd stop acting the Drama Queen).  
  
Dutifully, I opened my laptop and turned it on. It booted up and I turned it so he could see it was on.  
  
"Now what do you want me to do?" I asked.  
  
"Banish them!" He commanded.  
  
"How?" I wanted to know.  
  
The Sues were closing in. Several of them began firing arrows at us.  
  
"Dammit, man! You didn't say they were going to shoot at me!" I shouted. "What's up with this crap, anyway?"  
  
"Banish them and they will disappear forever!" Crazy Old Guy just missed getting hit by a pink arrow. (Cupid, perhaps?)  
  
"How the hell do I do that?" I demanded.  
  
Everyone looked at me in horror.  
  
"You mean you don't know?" Scruffy asked.  
  
"No. I've never 'banished' anyone before. This is just a stupid laptop, not a book of doom. I've been trying to tell you that but no one will listen!" I shouted.  
  
Supermodel grabbed the laptop from me and pointed it at the advancing hoard.  
  
"Be gone ye fell creatures!" She cried.  
  
Needless to say, nothing happened. (Well, DUH!)  
  
Then Blondie grabbed the laptop and pointed it out to the Sues. At his appearance on the wall, a scream from a thousand voices rose up and the Sues began to chant his name. Some of them wept openly while others began to sing his praises. It was a terrifying sight, to be sure.  
  
Several of them on the flying horses swooped down and tried to grab him but Hairy made sure he didn't get scooped up. (Maybe Hairy is right and we should just toss Blondie over the wall to them and be done with it).  
  
I grabbed the laptop from him and pushed him into Hairy. "Get his ass out of here now!" I told him. Hairy dragged Gorgeous back inside.  
  
I turned off the laptop. The Sues were still clamoring for Blondie. I raised my hands to quiet the crowd.  
  
"Hey, Old Guy," I said to the Crazy Codger. "Do your Drama Queen thing, ok? Just repeat what I tell you."  
  
The Old Guy nodded and climbed up on the wall.  
  
"Mary Sues," he addressed the crowd and looked at me. I just started talking and he just repeated. "We are willing to negotiate a truce to bring an end to this reign of terror. In return for your complete and total withdraw from (wherever the hell this is) Middle Earth, we will turn over (Blondie) Legolas, Prince of Mirkwood into the hands of your leaders."  
  
I nodded with satisfaction. Scruffy was scandalized and Supermodel was pissed.  
  
"Easy, easy!" I tried to calm them. "This is just to buy us some time so we can figure out what the hell to do! We need to figure out HOW to banish them. By the time we work through all the negotiations, we'll have it under control."  
  
The light bulb went on over their heads. And they smiled with grim satisfaction.  
  
"Tell them to choose 5 delegates and send them to the gates. We will let them in and begin negotiations immediately tomorrow," I told Old Guy. He repeated the offer.  
  
The Sues grew quiet and suddenly, a great battle erupted between them as they began to argue over who would be able to negotiate for Blondie's capture.  
  
"HA! That orta hold them for a while!" I jeered. "Now let's figure out how to finish this!"  
  
Supermodel looked at me admiringly and I smiled back.  
  
"Secretary," I shrugged. Had to learn how to handle that kind of stuff.  
  
*****  
  
Notes:  
  
Blue Screen of Death – when you're working on something (usually very important) and your computer locks up then goes blue causing you to lose all of your work and curse in several tongues.  
  
Orta – should  
  
To my reviewers Mystique Hottie8 and Crazy-Haldir-Fancier: I don't smoke, either, but I thought it was appropriate for "girl" to smoke since she is from Kentucky (one of the largest tobacco producing states in the country) and it made for a humorous reference to "pipe weed". Aragorn, Gandalf and Gimli smoke pipe weed in the LOTR series but Legolas says (in the book TTT), "Though I would sooner learn how they came by the wine." Certainly a being after my own heart! 


	10. A Frantic Search

******  
  
Old Guy retired to the library to search for any more information on the banishment. I kept my laptop close to me. I didn't want anyone running the battery down. The only way I could charge it was by the truck battery but I wasn't in a mind to waste it just yet.  
  
The Sues argued and fought for about two weeks. Finally, they managed to choose 5 from among them to sue for peace. (Pun intended). I'd given up on going home anytime soon and tried to figure out this whole banishment thing.  
  
Hairy seemed content to keep an eye on Blondie, which was just fine with me. He was our ace in the hole so to speak and we couldn't risk a covert strike to grab him from under our noses. (Not that all the Sues together could plot such an undertaking but one could never be too sure.)  
  
Of course, both of them were pretty pissed when they found out about the negotiations. Gorgeous couldn't believe that I had sold him out. (He didn't exactly say it in that way but I knew what he meant).  
  
"Suck it up, man!" I scolded him. "It's not like we're REALLY going to turn you over. We are just using it as a ploy to figure out how this banishment thing works. It was just to buy some time."  
  
Hairy grinned with appreciation of the plan. I told him in no uncertain terms to not let Blondie out of his sight. If that guy bolted, we were all screwed.  
  
Negotiations for Blondie's release began on the 15th day from our arrival in the city. Of course, the Sues demanded to see him first off before any negotiations took place. (To make sure he was ok. Right. My ass!) A quivering Gorgeous was hauled before the gathered assembly, the dutiful Hairy right by his side. I gave Hairy a big thumbs up sign as I watched the proceedings from the wings. Blondie had put on his most impressive garb and even his little Princely headband for the occasion. The Sues shrieked with joy, two wept openly and one fainted dead away. (OK, he IS fine, but fainting? Get a grip!)  
  
We had Scruffy and Supermodel negotiating for us. Both of them smart and Supermodel could be quite ruthless I had a feeling. The Sues didn't stand a chance. However, finding the actual banishment ritual or whatever it was turned out to be much more difficult than we had initially thought.  
  
The Old Guy wasn't having any luck and neither was anyone else. I can't say we were desperate. After all, if we didn't find a way to banish the Sues, we were still negotiating for their withdraw from Middle Earth.  
  
Of course, Blondie wouldn't like the outcome but the needs of the many (that would be us) outweigh the needs of the few (that would be him). And it could have been worse. It wasn't like they were going to kill him or torture him. They just wanted to, well . . . YOU KNOW, him to death. (Hmmm. Maybe to him that would be torture. I must test this theory!)  
  
******  
  
Notes: "Sold him out" – Turned him in, gave him up.  
  
YOU KNOW him to death – hey, if you're a fangirl (or even not) you know what this means and I don't have to explain it.  
  
*** 


	11. To Banish a Sue

******  
  
I found my backpack and pulled out a chocolate bar. Dark chocolate. Nothing else will do for this particular test. Then I went in search of Gorgeous. I found him and Hairy in one of the kitchens eating. Correction, I found Hairy eating. Blondie was just standing there looking morose. (He does that a lot).  
  
"Have a bite of this," I handed The Gorgeous One a piece of chocolate.  
  
He took it and sniffed it delicately. (He does everything delicately!)  
  
"I'm trying to poison you," I said sarcastically.  
  
He popped the chocolate in his mouth and -  
  
chewed.  
  
HA! Test passed! I nodded in satisfaction. Even if we did turn him over to the Sues he'd survive. He may not like it but he'd get over it and survive the ordeal. (I will have no more guilt about this!)  
  
The Old Guy burst into the kitchen as I was picking some food off of Hairy's plate. (Bad habit of mine, I know.)  
  
"I believe I have found the answer!" He announced in his overdramatic way.  
  
"That's nice," I murmured. "Are you going to eat that?" I asked Hairy pointing to a very large hunk of bread.  
  
"But I know how to banish the Sues!" Old Guy Drama Queen fairly danced around the kitchen in glee.  
  
Gorgeous looked like he wanted to believe it but didn't want to get his hopes up.  
  
"Hmm. Schpit did dout, man!" I said with a mouthful of bread.  
  
"Speak," commanded Hairy when it was clear no one understood me.  
  
Old Guy laid down an Ancient Scroll on the table and the four of us huddled over it.  
  
Some freaky chicken scratch covered the page.  
  
"I can't read that!" I exclaimed. "What the hell is it? Don't look like no Greek or Latin I've ever seen, that's for sure."  
  
"It's Quenya," Blondie breathed excitedly. Apparently HE could read Quenya. (Whatever.)  
  
"What does it say?" I asked anxiously.  
  
Old Guy and Gorgeous began to talk in some weird code. Hairy and I went back to eating. The hell with them if they wanted to be like that.  
  
"It says that you must write the Sues out of existence. That only by capturing their essence can you banish them from Middle Earth forever," intoned Old Guy in his best creepy voice.  
  
"By the way, what is your name, anyway?" He finally broke down and asked.  
  
"Ah, just call me 'girl', you probably couldn't pronounce my name anyway," I shrugged. "So I have to 'capture their essence' and write them out of existence?" I mused. "What the hell is that supposed to mean?"  
  
"Well, why don't you open the Black Book of Doom and start writing in it. Maybe by putting their names in the book it will send them away forever," he reasoned.  
  
I raised my eyebrows. "Hey, you're pretty sharp for an old geezer," I said admiringly. "I'll go get my laptop and we'll try this theory out right now."  
  
I grabbed the computer and my cigs and ran back down to the kitchen. Scruffy and Supermodel had been rounded up for the big experiment. I was shocked to find Supermodel actually eating bread. God! Skinny, blond, gorgeous and able to eat anything she wants. I may just have to write HER out of existence, I plotted. (Later, later, save it for later.)  
  
Everyone gathered around as I booted up the laptop and opened a blank document. "OK, somebody start talking," I said.  
  
Nobody said anything. "Well, some body needs to start describing one of them so I can put it down!" I demanded.  
  
Blondie tentatively leaned over and started whispering in my ear. I typed as he talked. (Must concentrate. Must save pretty blond boy from hormonally raged girls.) Two cigarettes later we had a paragraph describing several of the flying Sues. I hit "save" and shut down the computer.  
  
"How will we know if it worked?" I asked.  
  
"We'll have to see if the flying Sues have disappeared once the sun rises," Old Guy said in his Drama Voice.  
  
*****  
  
Notes: The chocolate test – sneaky test to determine a guy's sexual orientation. Must be done with dark chocolate (preferably). Most "straight" guys will chew chocolate while women and not-so-straight guys will suck on it. (Not a scientific measurement but it's usually pretty accurate).  
  
**** 


	12. One Step Up, Two Steps Back

******  
  
The following morning, I heard the screams and shouts in the hallway outside my door before I even managed to slip my shirt on. Hairy burst into my room and started hugging me. "You did it, lass! You did it!" he shouted with glee.  
  
"It worked? Really?" I asked. (No way! That was too easy!)  
  
Blondie came into the room and hugged me as well. This was rather difficult, as Hairy hadn't let go of me quite yet. But I didn't mind.  
  
"Thank you, thank you so much," he practically cried with happiness.  
  
"I can't believe it actually worked!" I shouted into his shoulder. (God Almighty did he smell good!)  
  
I pulled away from them both. "I wanna see! I wanna see what happened! How do you know it worked?" I asked anxiously as the two of them led me up to the battlements.  
  
The three of us looked to the sky. There were no more flying Sues.  
  
"No way!" I danced around the wall like a drunken sorority girl on a Saturday night.  
  
There was some serious celebrating that day and into the night, I can tell you.  
  
That evening Hairy, Scruffy and Blondie found me in the kitchen. Hairy held out a bottle to me. "Try this, lass," he rumbled.  
  
I smelled the bottle. Alcohol. I smiled. "You rock, Hairy!" I told him. He grinned.  
  
The four of us sat there in that kitchen and drank that bottle of whatever the hell it was dry. I got so drunk I could hardly stand. But I wasn't alone. The four of us careened crazily thru the halls holding on to each other and singing some stupid ass song about some elf half the night. Hell if I knew the words or even cared. I sang my own song. I was so happy that we had found the way to banish the Sues.  
  
I paid for my drunken revelry the next day. (Oh, did I ever!)  
  
"What the hell was that crap you gave me last night?" I demanded when I saw Hairy in the kitchen.  
  
He didn't look too well, either.  
  
"Ach! It was Black Blood of Moria," he groaned. "Deadly stuff in large doses."  
  
"Yeah, I sort of figured that deadly part out," I groaned and flopped down next to him on a bench. With a shaking hand, I lit a cigarette and the two of us sat there in silence for several minutes.  
  
Old Guy appeared and looked suitably grim.  
  
"Oh, no, what is it now?" I grumbled seeing the look on his face.  
  
"More Sues have appeared," he intoned.  
  
"No way! I thought we got rid of them!" I would have shouted had my head not hurt so badly.  
  
"Yes, we did, but others arrived in the night to take their place," he informed us.  
  
"Hells Bells!" I did shout this time. "Where's Gorgeous?" I demanded. If they stole him in the night there would be hell to pay. Supermodel and me would be opening a serious can of whup-ass on them.  
  
"I am here," said Blondie as he and Scruffy came into the kitchen.  
  
"I guess this means it's back to work," I sighed. And I had so wanted to just lie in bed and recuperate.  
  
I eyed Blondie suspiciously. He looked too pristine for my liking. "Why the hell don't you have a hangover?" I demanded.  
  
"Elves don't get hangovers," he informed me.  
  
"Bull! You'd best be coming up with one or you'll find yourself dangling over the wall as Sue-bait," I snapped at him and stomped out to get my laptop. (Bastard. Don't get hangovers!)  
  
******  
  
My laptop battery was getting low. We moved our little road show into the stable where the truck was parked so I could charge it. We opened the stable doors and I started the engine then plugged the laptop into the cigarette lighter. We were back in business. "Alright, people, start talking," I said as my fingers hovered over the keyboard.  
  
I had several files of Sue descriptions and was shutting down for the day when the thought struck me that maybe just maybe a photograph would work the same way as the writing. I mean, wasn't that "capturing the essence" of the Sue? I pulled a disposable camera out of the dash and looked at it. The sun was too low to try it today but tomorrow – tomorrow I would give it a try.  
  
******  
  
Notes:  
  
Black Blood of Moria – very toxic alcohol akin to Ouzo.  
  
"Opening a can of whup-ass" – fixing to "lay the smack down" on someone with extreme prejudice.  
  
***** 


	13. On the Offensive Again

******  
  
Oh, yeah, the camera thing worked like a charm. The next day I stood on the walls taking pictures of the Sues as best I could from that vantage point and that got rid of quite a few of them. We even talked Supermodel into riding amongst the Sues (she could certainly pass as one) and take more pictures. This eliminated quite a bit more of the evil creatures. But we ran out of film and, geez, wouldn't you know it, not a drugstore in sight. (Imagine that!).  
  
The delegates kept coming and I had taken to hiding in the wings typing in the "Black Book of Doom" while Hairy described the delegates to me.  
  
Of course, he was just a little too blunt so he wasn't quite as effective as I would have liked. When I wrote his Sue descriptions instead of completely vanishing when I hit "save", sometimes there would be a hideous Sue residue left. It was pretty gross. I tried to explain to him that he needed to get a bit more carried away with himself on the descriptors but it just didn't sink in. Alas, he wasn't the wordy or romantic type.  
  
Gorgeous, however, was a piece of work. He could go on and on about someone's dress or hair. When HE gave me a description of the Sue and I hit "save", there wasn't even a whiff of the offending creature left. (He was good!) And if I didn't know better, I would swear he was starting to enjoy himself. (I guess getting rid of your tormentors tends to do that to a guy.)  
  
I was in the stable running the truck engine (doors on the stable open, my moma didn't raise no fool!) and charging the Book when I noticed that the truck was getting dangerously low on gas. This was not good. I'd probably need gas to get back home (where ever the hell THAT was now) and I'd certainly need it to keep charging the Book up. We were winning against the Sues but there was still a lot of cleanup work to be done.  
  
"Hey, Hairy!" I found him in the kitchen. He and I spent a lot of time in the kitchen. "Can you get me anymore of that rot gut you gave me a while ago? I'm gonna need it."  
  
"Aye, lass, what you want it for? Planning on getting one of us drunk so you can take advantage of us?" He winked conspiratorially at me.  
  
"As if," I said and threw a piece of bread at him. "I'm running out of gas in the truck and I think that stuff might work as a gas substitute. Close enough for what we need anyway."  
  
Hairy nodded. "Aye, I can get some for ye. How much do you need?" He asked.  
  
"About a gallon would do."  
  
"What's a gallon?"  
  
"Oh, sorry. About this much," I said and held up a pot so he could take a look at it.  
  
"Ach! Lass! There's not that much in all of Moria this time of year!" He said with surprise.  
  
"What the hell do you mean 'this time of year'?" I was not happy.  
  
"We only make it in the spring. By now most of the stores would be gone. We will need a great fortune in order to get more," he said.  
  
Hells Bells, that figures. (This was a sign of impending doom although I was too distracted to realize it).  
  
"Well, round up what you can, I'm going to start writing again."  
  
***** 


	14. Reinforcements

*****  
  
The terror increased three fold the next day.  
  
I jumped up out of bed at daybreak when I heard the screams down the passageway outside my door.  
  
"Shut the hell up!" I shouted, flinging open the door to the hall. (God, I hate getting woke up in the morning by maniacal screaming).  
  
Blondie shoved past me and ran toward my computer with Drama Queen fast on his heels. (WTF?)  
  
"Doesn't anybody freaking knock in this hell hole?" I demanded.  
  
Blondie snatched the computer off my nightstand and shoved it into my hands. He was quivering again. Not a good sign.  
  
"We're doomed! Doomed I say!" Shouted Crazy Old Guy/Drama Queen waving his arms around in terror.  
  
"Would you just chill?" I snapped and took the laptop from a whimpering Gorgeous.  
  
"We're not 'doomed'. What happened? Is everyone ok?"  
  
Upon hearing my voice, Scruffy, Supermodel and Hairy came into my room. (Full house. Great.)  
  
"The Sues have returned," Scruffy said miserably.  
  
"No way! You lie!" I looked around. Judging by the looks on their faces, he wasn't lying.  
  
"What? How the hell could that happen?" I wondered. "We all saw it. We all saw them vanish when I hit "save". What could have gone wrong?" I was starting to panic. This couldn't be happening. (Maybe the Drama Queen was right and we WERE doomed.)  
  
I booted up the laptop and anxious faces gathered around me. (This is a bunch of bull!) Sure enough, there were all the saved files of all the Sues we had banished. So where were they all coming from? (Creepy)  
  
Everyone eyed everyone else suspiciously.  
  
"We're doomed I say!" Thundered the Old Guy in his best all-knowing voice again.  
  
"Shut him up!" I shouted. (Nutter!)  
  
Scruffy pulled him to the side and tried to calm him.  
  
"There has to be something else. Something we missed," Supermodel mumbled and leaned over me to look at the computer screen.  
  
"Yeah, but what the hell was it?" I asked, scanning files.  
  
"Gandalf," Hairy went over to Scruffy and Drama Queen. "Was there anything in the prophecy that you may have missed?" He asked.  
  
Blondie shook his head. "I read it, too, and all it said was that she has to write. There was nothing else. We didn't miss anything. Oh, Eru! This cannot be happening to me! Why, Why, Why?" He flung himself down on my bed and began to cry. (Freaking bawling like Nancy Kerrigan!)  
  
Supermodel and I exchanged disgusted looks.  
  
"Idiot," I hissed under my breath.  
  
"Agreed," she hissed back.  
  
"Wait a minute," I murmured and searched my saved e-mails. Something was niggling in the back of my mind but I just couldn't place it.  
  
I scanned my saved email files and groaned.  
  
"What is it?" Supermodel leaned close to me so that the others couldn't overhear.  
  
"Dammit! The third Lord Of The Rings movie was released two days ago." I pointed to the e-mail from the Sweet D noting the release date. "Hellfire and Dalmatians! The Sues have gotten reinforcements," I said under my breath.  
  
"By the Gates of Mordor!" Supermodel growled. (That's some pretty harsh swearing). "How can we stop them?"  
  
I sighed. "I dunno. Once it comes out in the theaters, it will run for a while. But then it gets released to videotape and DVD so it really can never exactly end."  
  
She and I looked at each other and together we looked at Blondie. He had finally stopped crying and was now sitting up on my bed, using my sheet to wipe his nose. (Gross!)  
  
"Knock that off, you moron!" I shouted at him.  
  
He dropped the sheet and started crying again.  
  
"Well, hell!" I swore and went over to him. (He's worse than me with PMS).  
  
Supermodel bent down to examine the computer.  
  
"Here," I said and handed Blondie a tissue from my travel pack. "Will you please stop that? It's not the end of the world, you know." (What does one say to a blithering idiot anyway?)  
  
I patted him on the shoulder and set down on the bed next to him. (I thought I had given up feeling guilty about this!)  
  
"It's all my fault! My fault!" He wailed and started babbling in some odd language as he laid his head in my lap. (Maybe Hairy is right and we should just toss him over the wall and let the Sues take him. Sure the hell save us a lot of trouble. And he'd survive.)  
  
I patted him lamely and stroked his hair. "There, there," was all I could think of to say. God, I HATE getting stuck in this situation! My niece does this to me all the time.  
  
"Some help here!" I hissed at Scruffy.  
  
Scruffy, Hairy and Old Guy descended upon us like flies. I gratefully extracted myself from the scene and went back to the computer.  
  
"How does this thing work?" Supermodel asked me.  
  
I smiled at her. (Beauty AND Brains! Now THAT'S what I'm talking about!)  
  
*****  
  
Notes: PMS – pre-menstrual syndrome. "That time of the month" when you'll cry or get mad over anything.  
  
"Crying like Nancy Kerrigan" – if you're not old enough to remember this, then I can't explain it. 


	15. The Queen of the Sues

*****  
  
Supermodel and I worked on the computer while the guys managed to get Blondie back under control. (HA! If only those Sues could have seen him then, his eyes and nose red and puffy from crying, his skin all blotchy, his hair a mess. They would have thought twice about attacking him. Some out of sheer pity, I'm sure.)  
  
Supermodel was a very fast learner and between the two of us we had managed to banish the Sue reinforcements before the next morning. Of course, there would always be more of them but if she and I could just get the numbers down to manageable (or teach one of the guys) we'd be able to at least control the situation.  
  
As it was now Blondie couldn't even be seen outdoors without starting a riot. Things were getting pretty bad for Scruffy, too and he had taken to skulking around inside more often. Hairy had to take his place at the negotiations table because some of the Sues had tried to put the moves on The Scruffy One once they got within range.  
  
Oh, yes, the Sues were still willing to negotiate for Blondie's "release". (Like he was being held captive). They viewed the demise of other Sues as sort of a Darwinian comeuppance. How foolish of them!  
  
I was hiding in my usual place during the negotiations when we got hit with a particularly nasty Sue. (A redhead, figures).  
  
Gorgeous actually made a noise that sounded like "oh" when he saw her.  
  
I poked him in the gut. "Pay attention!" I snapped at him in annoyance.  
  
He stared for several minutes and I had to growl at him and start writing myself before he actually stopped gawping and started helping.  
  
"Do you want to be rid of these Sues or not?" I demanded. (The ingrate!)  
  
"Yes, yes, uhm," he said distracted again by Red.  
  
I gave him THE LOOK that every man everywhere knows and he straightened right up. (At least THAT still works)  
  
Supermodel had joined us to watch the proceedings. She didn't much like Red, either, I could tell. Felt this Sue would need a bit of extra effort.  
  
"Make haste with this one," she said anxiously.  
  
"I'm trying but SOMEBODY isn't being much help," I hissed.  
  
Gorgeous actually had the decency to blush and lower his eyes. He started talking.  
  
Red must've had pretty damn good ears (it's a Sue-elf thing, I'm told. Whatever.) She got up from the table and started stalking around. I stopped typing. The three of us held our breath as Red approached our hiding place.  
  
I know that stupid bastard did something to set her off. Don't know what it was exactly but he let her know he was there somehow. The next thing I know, our curtain of secrecy is torn away and I'm staring at a really horny Sue.  
  
Red didn't pay much attention to Supermodel or me. (Dumb girl.) She just reached right in and snatched a grinning Blondie from his place behind me. (Oh, he is so going to get it for this stunt!)  
  
"Ah, Prince of Mirkwood," Red said in a throaty purr. My skin crawled. "I have journeyed from afar to gaze upon your legendary manliness," she flashed him a devastatingly white smile.  
  
He grinned stupidly. (Bad sign. Blood flow to brain has been diverted.)  
  
"Do something," Supermodel whispered to me.  
  
"No," I said stubbornly. "He wanted it and now he's gonna get it." (Serves him right)  
  
She looked at me in horror and made to grab the computer. I jerked it away from her.  
  
"Let him learn his lesson," I warned. "We have a saying where I come from 'beware of what you wish for because you will most certainly get it'. Let him feel their wrath and maybe he'll stop being such an idiot." (Fat chance, I know).  
  
*****  
  
A/N: Thank you so much to my reviewers! I had a lot of fun writing this and I'm glad you find it entertaining.  
  
ElvenSailorGirl – I'm glad you laughed. (I still giggle about the "knock that off, you moron!" Poor Legolas gets some serious abuse but I still love him.)  
  
Dream and Write – Wow! Thanks! I'm flattered! Girl will get the big head if I don't lay the smack down! ;-) 


	16. Battle of the Amazons

*****  
  
"I don't like it," Supermodel protested.  
  
"Well, you don't have to like it. Just be ready in case I need you to run interference while I type," I said.  
  
We watched in morbid fascination as Red turned on the charm and proceeded to try and get Blondie out of his clothes as quickly as possible. (Wouldn't take long at this rate!)  
  
He was still grinning like a fool. (They're all the same. I expected his face to turn blue at any moment due to the lack of blood flow above the waist.)  
  
"Mmmm, yes," she purred and opened her dress a bit further to give him a better look at her cleavage as she slinked around him, tossing her mane of hair.  
  
"How may I be of service to you, m'lady?" He asked. (Oh, nice recovery, Gorgeous).  
  
"How indeed?" Red laughed and placed her hand on his chest. "I have heard the prophecy that it is my duty to protect you," she smiled. "So it is I who must be of service" (she stressed service) "to you." Her hand crept up into his hair and she actually started stroking his ear. He closed his eyes. (Is he going to faint or what?)  
  
Red took the opportunity to gently place one of his hands on her exposed cleavage. "Oh, my heart! It beats only to serve you, my prince," she sighed dreamily and clutched his hand to her breast.  
  
Supermodel groaned next to me. "This is disgusting."  
  
"Totally," I agreed. "But I'm not going to put a stop to it just yet. She'll eat him alive and then he'll be sorry." (I hope)  
  
Blondie stealthily slipped his hand farther into Red's cleavage. No one else in the room moved. Everyone was just frozen in place watching this sordid little drama play out in front of us. (It was like a car wreck)  
  
Red giggled and slid her arms around Blondie and gazed serenely into his eyes.  
  
"We were meant to be together forever," she whispered to him and placed her lips close to his.  
  
Of course he took the bait. The blood flow to his brain had long since stopped rendering him completely senseless. He leaned forward and kissed her. Then it hit the fan.  
  
In a flash, Red had Blondie flat on his back on the floor. He gave only a slight struggle (to keep up appearances, I'm sure) then succumbed to her kisses and shameless fondling again.  
  
She was working it, that's for sure. She'd managed to rip his shirt off and started kissing him all over his exposed flesh then tried to literally rip the rest of his clothing off as the two of them writhed on the floor. She ended up clawing him and he howled like a scorched cat. (Ah, looks like blood flow may have returned). She bit him on the side of the neck (who let the freaking Drac in here?) and he howled even louder.  
  
I laughed with evil glee. Serves him right!  
  
He was starting to struggle now and it wasn't just for appearances.  
  
"Write it now," Supermodel demanded, jabbing her finger at the keyboard.  
  
"Oh, all right!" I gave in reluctantly.  
  
I started typing and, wouldn't you know it? The stupid thing locked up.  
  
"Damn!" I said.  
  
"What?" Supermodel asked.  
  
"Damn thing locked up. Hold on." I hit Ctrl+alt+delete. Nothing happened. I tried it again. Still nothing.  
  
"Oh, FART!" I yelled loud enough to get Red's attention.  
  
She must've realized something was up because she redoubled her efforts to separate Blondie from what little bit of clothing he had left.  
  
He was struggling in earnest now but had managed to get off the floor. Red was also half naked. (Hairy was grinning with unabashed delight at the sight, I can tell you).  
  
"HELL!" I shouted. It was the Blue Screen of Death!  
  
"Run, baby doll!" I shouted at Gorgeous.  
  
Supermodel sprang into action, whipping out a pretty nasty looking sword and brandishing it at Red.  
  
Red gave a nasty growl but didn't let go of Blondie. Instead, she pulled out her own sword. God, this was going to get really ugly really quick.  
  
"You stupid piece of camel dung!" I shouted at the computer and hit the "on-off" switch twice.  
  
"Hold her, girl!" I called to the Supermodel.  
  
Red wasn't about to be parted from her prize so quickly. She held Blondie in front of her, threatening him with the sword.  
  
"Let me finish with him," she hissed and groped him shamelessly with her free hand.  
  
"No," countered Supermodel, circling for an opening.  
  
(Boot, you POS!)  
  
"He is MINE! The prophecy says so! He and I will be together forever!" Her eyes glowed all kinds of weird colors and she began to grope him greedily again. Gorgeous just whimpered helplessly as the two Amazons battled over his fate.  
  
(Come on! Come on! What are you doing? You worthless piece of silicon!)  
  
Red roughly pulled Blondie's hair back from his neck and bit him from behind. Gorgeous let out another howl of pain or fear, I couldn't tell which.  
  
"How close are you?" Supermodel asked me over her shoulder.  
  
"Just a little bit more. I've got the welcome screen. Not five minutes," I answered breathlessly.  
  
(This was gonna be close).  
  
"Hurry, hurry," begged Blondie pathetically, struggling to escape Red's clutches.  
  
I scowled over the screen. "Zip it, lover boy!" I shouted. (All your fault anyway).  
  
Supermodel lunged at Red. I heard a crash of metal on metal then chairs being knocked over and feet running. (Oh, man, this is getting out of hand!)  
  
I stole a glance up as I opened a new document and started typing as fast as my fingers would go.  
  
Hairy had a hold of Red's sword arm but she had managed to wrap her legs around Blondie and was desperately trying to bite him or kiss him again. (Didn't seem to be much of a difference to her.)  
  
Supermodel was trying to pry Red off of him and Blondie just whimpered like a frightened child. It all looked rather interesting if it hadn't been so terrifying.  
  
Red let out a scream of frustration and agony as I began to capture her essence on the screen. It took me a while but once Blondie had been released and the blood flow to his brain kicked back in, it didn't us long before we polished her off.  
  
Old Guy and Scruffy burst into the room.  
  
"What happened?" Scruffy demanded. "We saw several Sues fleeing in terror! It was great!"  
  
I laughed with relief. (That was a close one!)  
  
Supermodel laughed then Hairy caught on and started laughing as well. The only one who didn't laugh was Blondie. He just pouted and gathered up bits and pieces of his clothing from the floor.  
  
******  
  
Notes: Drac – short for Dracula POS – Piece of sh*t 


	17. The Heisman Trophy

******  
  
"You did that intentionally," Gorgeous later accused me. (DUH!)  
  
"And so what if I did?" I snorted. "Serves you right!"  
  
Hairy and I laughed evilly at his misadventure.  
  
"You're not very nice," Gorgeous pouted. (And you're not very smart so we're even!)  
  
"Oh, will you give it a rest?" I moaned in exasperation and rolled my eyes. "Stop with the crying, the pouting, the whimpering. That's why those Sues go mad over you, half-wit! You encourage it. Maybe if you'd learn to give some of them the Heisman, they'd leave you alone."  
  
"What's the Heisman?" He asked curiously.  
  
I struck the Heisman trophy pose to show him.  
  
"How does one 'give the Heisman'?" he asked intrigued by the thought.  
  
"You really want to know?" I said.  
  
"Yes. If you think it will help," he answered. (There may be hope for him after all)  
  
"It can't hurt, lad," offered Hairy.  
  
"Tomorrow, then," I decreed. "Tomorrow you will learn how to give someone the Heisman."  
  
*******  
  
The next day I rounded up Supermodel and Scruffy to help. Hairy and Old Guy were working on the negotiations. The three of us met Blondie in our kitchen corner and I explained what the Heisman was and how it worked.  
  
Supermodel immediately knew what I was talking about – seems she'd given the Heisman quite a few times in her day. (Why does that not surprise me?)  
  
For the benefit of everyone else, we had her demonstrate it on Scruffy.  
  
Gorgeous was fascinated. "Does that truly work?" He marveled.  
  
"Like an elven talisman," Supermodel answered with a reassuring grin. (And she would know!)  
  
She showed him the technique and he tried it several times. He was getting the hang of it but I wanted to test him.  
  
"OK, give it a try with me," I said. (Practice makes perfect)  
  
I did my best Sue imitation and slithered up to Gorgeous, making sure to toss my hair and swivel my hips to the best of my ability. I batted my eyes and smiled seductively up at him. (Bad imitation, but I was trying).  
  
"Hey, hot stuff, you wanna," I raised my eyebrows at him suggestively. "You know." I licked my lips slowly.  
  
He coldly drew back from me as if I were a foul creature and eyed me up and down carefully. Then he snorted delicately. "As. If."  
  
The three of us howled with laughter. Blondie smiled. "Was that good?" He asked eagerly.  
  
"It was perfect!" I congratulated him.  
  
*****  
  
It wasn't soon after that he got the courage to sit in on the Sue negotiations. God, he was devastating! Supermodel had taught him well. Gorgeous would allow a Sue to get within range and then he would coldly turn his nose up at them, adding a withering remark or two for effect. The Sue would vanish in a puff of smoke. It was a beautiful sight. (He was becoming quite the handsome devil once he stopped that quivering and pouting nonsense.)  
  
Supermodel would proudly watch him from the wings as he gave the Heisman to every Sue that walked through the door. I couldn't help but feel a bit proud of him myself. She and I exchanged knowing glances. He'd always had it in him but needed a bit of a kick in the ass to jump-start it.  
****  
  
Notes: The Heisman Trophy is a trophy that is given each year to the Outstanding College Football Player in the US (American football). The trophy is a man with a football tucked up in his left arm and his right arm outstretched to push away his opponents. Hence the term "to give someone the Heisman" means to push them away. A big thanks to Mighty Joe for this bit. 


	18. The End or just the beginning?

  
  
Things were going well and I was anxious to get back home. I wondered if I still had a job or if my unexplained disappearance had even been noticed. (I doubt it but you never know).  
  
I had grown rather fond of everyone, even the Drama Queen and Gorgeous. Of course, the Gorgeous One still owed me BIG TIME for that stunt with Red and I hadn't quite figured out how to exact my revenge on him – yet. Several nefarious schemes were bubbling in my mind but none seemed to fit his crime. (And that's no good!)  
  
It was one of these schemes that got me thinking about home and how to return. If it worked for the Sues getting IN then, logically, it should work for me getting OUT, right? (That was my thinking, anyway)

* * *

"I think I know how to get back home," I said one night as we all met in the kitchen for our Black Blood of Moria conferences.  
  
"How?" Asked Scruffy.  
  
Everyone looked at me in silence. Hairy sat the booze bottle down on the table with a thud.  
  
"Well, I think it's the same for me as it is the Sues, "I started. (Blank stares all around.)  
  
"That someone has to write me back home," I said and pointedly looked at Supermodel. She lowered her eyes.  
  
"Certainly you cannot take the Black Book of Doom!" The Drama Queen cried. "What will we do? The Sues have diminished, true, but there may be more!"  
  
"Easy, gramps," I told him. "We've gotten them down to a manageable level. Supermodel here knows how to use the compu – I mean, the Black Book of Doom," I corrected myself. "She can teach the rest of you. And Gorgeous has finally learned how to give the Heisman so everything is pretty much under control."  
  
Hairy looked sad and I hugged him. I'd miss that little guy, that's for sure.  
  
"But you can't leave me!" Wailed Gorgeous trying to pull his pouty routine again.  
  
"No sniveling," I warned him severely, shaking a finger at him. (Don't want him regressing).  
  
"So you will leave us the Book?" Boomed the Old Drama Queen Guy. (One track mind, his.)  
  
"Yeah, I'll leave you the book," I said. (The boss would have my ass but I'd just report it stolen. That and the truck. Ah, well.)  
  
"When do you want to go?" Asked Supermodel quietly. She knew she'd have to be the one to write me back.  
  
I took the Black Blood of Moria from the table. "Soon, within the next day or two," I said and took a swig of the liquid.  
  
"But no long faces, ok? We have been victorious over the scourge of the land!" I raised the bottle high in a toast.  
  
"Here, here," seconded Scruffy and Hairy.  
  
We passed that bottle around for a while and reminisced about the first attack of the Sues and all of the madness that had followed. Hairy, Supermodel and I had a good laugh at Blondie's expense about Red. (I was still a bit miffed at him for clueing her in on our whereabouts but he'd get his.)  
  
Old Guy and Scruffy nearly fell out of their chairs laughing when they heard the entire story about Red's attack and Supermodel's efforts to "rescue" him.  
  
Gorgeous aloofly weathered it all but finally succumbed to laughing about it in the end. (Too bad he doesn't smile more often. Wait - on second thought – probably just stir up more Sues anyway so scratch that).  
  
As the bottle grew lighter, Supermodel leaned over and whispered in my ear. I grinned. Hell, yeah, I'd help her out. I excused myself and went to my room.  
  
I pulled the Black Book of Doom out and quietly sat down on my bed and began to type.  
  
"Once, in a far off land of horse riders lived a fair maiden of  
surpassing beauty who had the heart of a lion and was terribly fond of  
a certain scruffy looking Ranger."  
  
(I'm sorry Arwen, wherever you are, but I owe this chick big time.)  
  
I typed long into the night with a slow grin of satisfaction spreading over my face.

* * *

I awoke the next morning to a knock on my door. Supermodel was standing there grinning like the cat that ate the canary (in a manner of speaking).  
  
"You rock!" she hugged me. (Now where did she pick THAT expression up?)  
  
I laughed. "No problem. Now, can you return the favor?"  
  
Her smile faded. "You aren't going to say goodbye to anyone?" She asked in a hurt voice.  
  
"Oh, no, that's not it at all!" I assured her. "I have a diabolical plan of my own concerning a certain gorgeous blond elf. If you know what I mean," I giggled evilly and rubbed my hands together in anticipation of my revenge. "He still owes me for that stunt he pulled with Red. Payback's a bitch!"  
  
Supermodel threw back her head and laughed with glee. "Oh, this is going to be so much fun!" She clapped her hands and sat down at the computer.  
  
"Stay true to me, babe," I asked her. "And give him a brain, ok?"  
  
She grinned wolfishly and gave me the thumbs up. I closed my eyes and waited for the knock on the door as I listened to her fingers click on the keyboard.

* * *

That's it. The End. (Evil maniacal laughter) 


End file.
